Monday, July 5, 2010


A few weeks ago, I caught part of a new VH1 show called Undateable. According to, "Undateable is a new five-hour VH1 special airing over five nights which looks at all things men do wrong in the eyes of the opposite sex. The series is based on the book "Undateable: 311 Things Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't be Dating or Having Sex" written by Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle." (watch HERE)

After viewing some of the show, I felt inspired to compose my own list of "undateable" male qualities. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am insanely picky, and can be quite judgemental at times. Luckily for me, I am getting married to a nearly-flawless gentleman who passes the test (hey, if he can overlook MY past, I can overlook HIS, right?? **cough* puka shells! *cough**).

Without further ado, here is MY Undateable List, in no particular order:

1. Ugly or Unkempt Feet.
The first chance I get to look at your feet, gentlemen, I will. There is no, I repeat NO, excuse for dirty or unhealthy feet or toenails. It's not enough to just wear sneakers; I can't rest knowing that those feet are in there. So grab a PedEgg and call me when you've got it right.

2. Socks in Bed.
Maybe I have a foot fettish of sorts, but I can't stand this foot fail, either. Socks belong on your feet when your feet are in boots, but you ain't crawling under my sheets with your feet covered in wool. I don't care if it's winter, it just isn't happening.

3. Tank Tops or Jersheys as outwear.
Muscles or no muscles, I cannot find this look acceptable unless we're on the beach. Period.

4. Short or Bald Hair-dos.
I'll let it slide for Jason Statham, but other than that, I want to see some finely styled locks. My hair looks great and so should yours.

5. Shocker Stickers on your car.
Here's a real shocker-- I consider you Undateable.

6. Puka Shell Necklaces.
EVEN on a beach, I veto this look. That goes for flip-flops with bottle openers, too. Throw in frosted tips, and I have no choice but to banish you back to 1998.

7. Stupid Tattoos.
You better have your family tree ready to show me if you're sporting a Tribal tattoo, and don't even THINK about a date if you have a Superman symbol, anything around your belly button, or the name of an ex-girlfriend.

8. Pets.
I know a lot of people would happily date a guy with pets, but it's not for me. I don't like animals, and I sure wouldn't be happy if yours was slobbering all over me or acting jealous when I came over. I should never have to fight for your attention... especially from something covered in fur.

9. Knives, and Weapon Permits.
Nothing screams "psycho boyfriend" louder than a man with a flip knife in his back pocket during a routine trip to the zoo. Leave your weapons at home, or better yet, just don't have any. Being in your arms (and knowing my cell can call 911 if need be) should make me feel safe enough.

10. The Bachelor Pad.
Empty liquor bottles used as kitchen decor, computer homepage set to YouTube stunt videos, and an assortment of bedazzled t-shirts adorned across your bedroom floor doesn't scream "date me". It screams "I wonder if I'll make rent this month". Get a job and a maid, then call me.

There's a million other dating no-no's, and I couldn't possibly name them all. For a more extensive list, however, I encourage you to check out the VH1 version, or maybe try the book. I haven't read it, but it might be good plane material. I'll let you know if I pick it up.


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