To the parmedics of the Central Pierce precinct who responded to a ‘Young Female with Chest Pains’ last weekend:

Thank you kindly for your timely and efficient service. I couldn’t have done it without you. (Well, actually, I did drive myself to the doctor in the first place… I probably could have come up with SOME WAY to get myself the additional 1.6 miles to the hospital. But that’s a moot point really).

I must say, you’re presence was very unexpected. That probably explains the expression of shock that was noticeably plastered on my face. Nothing like unshaven legs and cheeks full of teary mascara to serve you up a juicy slice of humble pie. Then again, I feel whole-heartedly that there should be some sort of policy about hiring attractive, fit gentlemen as paramedics. If I remember correctly, I think I mentioned something about giving the overweight and unattractive guys a chance. I can’t help but think it would double your customer service ratings… from the young, female patient population, anyway.

To the chesty gentleman who rode in the cab with me:
I’d just like to throw it on the table (or gurney, as it may be) that I sincerely appreciated your humor and compliments. I know you didn’t actually mean it when you said you couldn’t imagine me looking any better than I did in that moment… but I’ll take that lie at face value. Definitely helped me forgot about my failing vital organs.

To the balding, blonde Dougie Howser:
No sir, thank you for what YOU do. I couldn’t educate without a heart rate.

All I’m sayin’ is I’m sure glad I didn’t mention the firefighters that I know. That could have made for a very awkward conversation. Anyway, turns out that you were wrong about it not being serious, but I can overlook that. Just be glad I chose to thank you this way, and not personally, because if we meet again I will ask you out. Then again, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.